so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
