Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
