a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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