I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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