Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
