I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
