Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
