Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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