yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
