'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
