so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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