you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
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she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
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DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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