gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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