Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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