It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
