You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
