Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
