I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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