Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
