I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
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All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
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So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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