Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
