at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
