best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Text me some of your sweat
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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