I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
