Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
