I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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