I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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