So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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