I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
one might say we're banned from that church
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
