Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
