As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
