it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
