There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
