Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
