I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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