can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
