OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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