i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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