He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
