Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
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