My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Your penis caused this!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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