did you get engaged???
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
