she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
