This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
