I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
