Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
