I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
