She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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