1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
