i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
