Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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