yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
