He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
