One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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