We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
