I will die if light touches me.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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