Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
