he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
