I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize