i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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